MY PLATFORM

As your dogcatcher, I pledge to offer simple, sensible, no-nonsense, free market solutions to the problems of stray dogs, rabid dogs, and mangy dogs. I will fight to simplify the burdensome dog licensing procedures that place an undue burden on you, the dog consumer, who are the backbone of our dog-related industries. I will work bipartisanly to ease restrictions on dog importing, dog breeding, and dog fighting.

I believe that the dog consumer knows best how to use his hard-earned dogs, and the government should take two giant steps back away from you and your dogs, if it knows what’s good for it. People and their dogs should not be afraid of the government. The government should be afraid of people and their dogs.

As your president, I will do similar. I believe we should let the market decide questions like if people need water to live and if discrimination is bad or not. I believe we should get rid of all the activist judges and replace them with judges who will rule in favor of our interests. I believe we should end the partisan bickering and gridlock in Congress by ending the redundancy of our current two-party system and replacing it with a streamlined and efficient one-party system.

That’s my pledge to America. We are one nation, indivisible, and it’s about time that meant one party.

God bless America!

—Dennis Peterson


I AM DENNIS PETERSON AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE

Hello, friends. I am Dennis Peterson, fifth eldest son of real estate and mattress king Peter “Pete” Peterson, son of the soil, son of a gun, and son of America. I am here on America’s birthday (only 2015 years young!) to make the great nation of America great again.

Last year, old Jasper Wimbly told me that I couldn’t get elected dog catcher in this town. Well, I aim to prove him wrong and I have filed the papers to prove it. I am running for dogcatcher of the greatest city in the greatest state of the greatest country in the world that has the greatest country in it, and that is East Asheburg, West Carolina, the United States of America, and Earth, respectively.

But I’m not stopping there. I know I’m meant for greater things, and I have prayed on it, and today I felt a calling from the Lord above and the answer came to me in a blinding flash of pure white light. That is why I am running a twofer campaign. Yes, I will run for East Asheburg Dog Catcher and I will run for the position of President of these United States of America.

The way I figure it is like this: the dogcatcher election is this November. The presidential election is next year. If I win my first election, I will take it as a sign that I am meant for a higher office and I will power on through the next year of campaigning and push for the White House with all I’m worth. If I lose, I will take it as a sign that I’m not meant to be a simple dogcatcher and I will devote all my energies to taking the White House.

Either way, my fate is in God’s hands and I will do nothing and can do nothing except remain His obedient servant, guided by His ineffable wisdom and the sure and certain knowledge that He has a plan for putting me in the White House.

God bless America.

—Dennis Peterson